fix you

we try our best to fight in our own. we got the same destiny. i finally understand how hard to fight everything, to makes our live be better in the future. i wish we were in the same way till the end. i know there will be storm also sunny day, but i hope we could be together till the end. im not give up on you. i hope you feel the same. i love you bhis, you're my only hope.

if some day, after i do all the best of me for you, for this relationship but i found you cheat on me again i think i never believe what is love. but for now, i will fight for me, us, also our future. 

i want to live together with you mas dio

i want to feel how it feels to be your wife

take care of you and our family

growing old with you

i want to be a good mother who is take care her family with all of my heart

i want to be a good sister for your siblings

also want to be a good daughter in front of your parents.

i want to feel how safe to always have you besides me mas.

i didn't know if someday you hurt me again or there's something to spare us apart.

thank you for always taking care of me

always patient with me

always hug me went im no feeling well

im sorry for all of yelling that i've been done to you, i just don't know why i do that to you.

i love you mas

i wish we can make it till the end.

eventho at the end we can't, i wanna thankyou for all those warm hug that you gave to me.

i hope you'll find your own happiness.

im glad to be part of your life.

messed up

everything is messed up. i'm messed. we are didn't same like a year ago. how long i can hold all of this shit? the trauma, trust issues, anxiety, panic attack. how long? maybe you're already tired of me too, of us. maybe this relationship is not working anymore. i feel like im not important for you anymore, im not ur priority anymore. i feel like you make distance between us. 

i hope it will be forever

 we're were have mistakes. it will make you stronger or it will broke you to the piece. 

i love you bhsm, with all of my heart. i never been treat so fucking good, feels so inloved by you. i miss you. just you that's i have. i need you in every sec in my life. i wish we met sooner so i never getting hurt by the asshole guy. you can read in this blog, thats all about brokenhearted. the way people destroy me to the ground but i have to get up and dress up like nothings happened. i wish we can grow old together. i love you. i really love you. even sometimes we argue little things, its about ego. relationship is not about who's win or lose. but about who's stay till the end, who's hug you when you feeling down, always take care each other, also makes happy memories. i never expect will have you right now. together with you when the last time i was give up on us. i think you just the same like anyone else, just took advantage of me. but no, you take care of me. you make my day brighter everyday. and yes im fallin in love with you everyday. i don't know where we going, but i hope you will stay with me forever. 

anxiety

I woke up this morning and realized, everythings not going like i want. It's just going not supposed to be. And i realized im such a clown. I can't do anything except smiling. Stupid. Oh how it could be like this. Im not finished my study. Can I finish it? just kinda sad i always messed up my life. so stress out. can i do it right? so i dont make a mistake anymore. i just dont know what i have to do. 

please stay

I always imagine life together with someone i loved, but the fact is no one want to stay with me for a long time. At the end their always leave me. And just me, yeah, me and myself. No one will stay, eventho i always give my life for him. I wish someday i could have someone who’s stay with me and loved me more than i loved him. I hope so. Would you mind to stay with me please?;’) dont leave me. I loved you. So much. I dont wanna lose you. Its tired to pass all this shit again and again.

Confession.

Sometimes i feel unworthy for everyone. But deep down, my parents still love unconditonally no matter what. Maybe not this time for me to get the one in my life. Maybe not you, but im so glad to know you. Thankyou for being so good to me. If you're will be my man i think you will comeback another time. I believe god plans never dissapointed me, because all he want is the best for me. But before i have to do my best in my life.
I have to start being a nice girl, be kind to another, love myself more and more, and do another good things in my life. I wish i can do that easily. Jo, maybe im fall in love with you but the time is not compatible for us so yaa it doesn't work for us. But deep down im trully happy to know you and spent time with you.
Well, i think that's all i have to say. I will missing you soo fucking much, but ya i wish you always have a good life jo, be a nice guy yaa.
I love you.

Kalah.

Ku akui aku kalah. telak. aku masih mencintaimu bahkan merindukanmu setiap waktu. walaupun aku sadar kita tidak akan mungkin bersatu. kamu tidak akan pernah melihatku. tidak akan pernah kembali lagi. pergi saja, aku ikhlas. sangat ikhlas. aku sudah menerima. biar saja aku dengan sakitku ini. nanti juga sembuh. tenang saja masih ada waktu yang akan menyembuhkannya. aku tak apa. tapi harus selalu kau ingat, kalo nanti suatu saat kamu rindukan aku, aku selalu ada disini untuk mu ya? tidak. aku tidak akan pergi kemana-mana. aku masih disini dengan segenap hatiku yang selalu untukmu. tapi jika kamu memutuskan untuk pergi dan tak kembali pun sungguh tak apa. aku hanya bisa bilang terimakasih. terimakasih untuk waktunya. terimakasih pernah tertawa bersamaku. terimakasih pernah hadir walaupun cuma sekedar singgah. aku senang pernah jadi bagian hidupmu, walau sebentar. aku sudah ikhlas. sungguh ikhlas jika kamu mau pergi. mencintai itu tidak harus memiliki kan? biar diriku mencintaimu dari sini. sampai nanti semuanya hilang seiring berjalannya waktu. semua akan baik-baik saja. pasti. :)

Realita

Nyatanya kamupun tidak bisa tinggal lebih lama.
Nyatanya kamu sama saja seperti yang lainnya.
Tetap bisa pergi semaumu.
Tetap bisa pergi sesukamu.
Tanpa seizinku.
Tanpa perduli, hancurnya diriku.
Nyatanya semua sama saja.
Tetap bisa pergi.
Pergi lagi.
Meninggalkan aku.
Sendiri.
Jadi, seperti nya lebih baik aku mencintai diriku sendiri bukan?
Yang tentu tidak akan bisa pergi kemana-mana.

22❤️

Jadi tepat hari ini, lelaki itu menyatakan perasaannya padaku. Aku tidak tau apakah dia tulus atau engga, tapi yg aku tau, dia nyaman di dekatku. Dan aku pun begitu, nyaman bersamanya. Aku tau kedepannya pasti akan lebih sulit dari ini. Namun, aku percaya, pasti Tuhan punya rencana yg baik kedepannya. Mungkin aku bari mengenal mu 6 hari yg lalu, tapi rasanya seperti sudah bertahun-tahun kita berteman. Semoga dan semoga, kamu adalah tempat terakhir hatiku berlabuh ❤️
Aku menyayangimu, iyeeel❤️

Goodbye, Ry.

Terimakasih.
Terimakasih pernah hadir dalam hidupku, meskipun hanya sebentar tetapi sungguh berarti untukku.
Terimakasih masih menghargaiku sebagai seorang perempuan.
Terimakasih telah pamit secara baik-baik kepadaku.
Aku percaya kamu orang baik.
Jadilah baik seterusnya, jagalah wanita mu jangan kau sakiti.
Mungkin kamu memang ditakdirkan hanya mampir saja dalam hidupku.
Tapi jujur, aku sebahagia itu bertemu denganmu.
Mungkin kamu adalah orang yang selalu ku cari-cari.
Tapi..
Sekali lagi...
Kamu bukan jodohku.
Kamu hanya mimpi indah di siang hariku..
Terimakasih telah hadir.
Selamat tinggal.
I'm already missing you:')

Maaf

Mungkin kalau dulu aku tidak menemuimu lagi semuanya tidak akan seperti ini.
Mungkin jika aku bersikeras untuk tetap egois semuanya tidak akan seperti ini.
Mungkin jika aku tidak melakukan semua itu  rasa sayang ini takkan tumbuh lagi.
Semuanya tidak akan berakhir seperti ini dan kita tidak akan saling menyakiti seperti ini.
Andai bisa memutar waktu.
Maaf.
Maafkan aku.
Lagi, lagi, dan lagi aku menyakiti kamu.
Maafkan aku...
Sungguh, bukan bermaksud untuk menyakiti mu lagi.
Tapi nyatanya aku kelelahan sendiri.
Aku lelah berpura-pura seperti semuanya baik-baik saja.
Namun nyatanya tidak.
Aku tidak baik-baik saja.
Kamu tau itu, aku tidak baik-baik saja.
Tapi kamu diam.
Kamu tetap diam
Entah sampai kapan.
Sekarang tinggal memilih.
Untuk diam-diam menghilang,
Atau
Pamit?