lost

 i feel like i lost my self. i didn;t know who i am right now. i lost control, i dont even handle my self. why people keep hurting someone? why people do what they want without thinking about anyone else? how selfish is it. to hurt your love one. to hurt somebody else. to break them into a pieces. how could you do that to me? im so tired of this fucking life. can i just died? please. im so tired. no one is truly love me.

expect for nothing

 can we make it until 22?

can you stay with me until 22?

i didn't want anything, just you beside me in my birthday, that's all i want. 

but its okay you didn't make it.

yeah at the end i always with my self.

yeah expect for nothing at my bday. ya emg harusnya kaya gitu gasi, kenapa kamu selalu minta lebih? kenapa kamu ga bersyukur sama semua waktu yang udah dia kasih buat kamu?

but, can i just ask for the last time, please dont messed my bday, please.. im begging

Ikhlas

         Ikhlas.

Apasih ikhlas itu?

Menurut KBBI ikhlas tuh berhati bersih. Dalam hal hubungan sesama manusia, ikhlas adalah memberi pertolongan dengan ketulusan hati. Sementara itu, keikhlasan berarti sebuah kejujuran atau kerelaan.

Pernah gasih dalam hidup tuh ada momen lo marah atau sedih banget tapi ujungnya lo bisa ikhlas, merelakan apa yang udah terjadi. Ya kadang beberapa hal perlu “keikhlasan” untuk kesehatan mental kita atau salah satu bentuknya ialah yaudahlah yaa. Salah satu kata yang sering aku dan oliv ucapkan ketika udah give up sama sesuatu.

Belakangan ini aku akhirnya bertemu psikolog untuk mengurai semua trauma dan ketakutanku. Perlahan-lahan semuanya terurai satu persatu. Sangat tidak mudah ada di fase ini dengan semua emosi yang telah aku tahan. Apalagi harus melalui semua ini sendirian, tidak ada yang menemani. Karena sejatinya manusia akan kembali pada-Nya sendirian bukan?

Sebelumya aku pernah bilang untuk bikin jurnal harian kann? Nah hari ini ga banyak kegiatan ku. Agenda hari iini tuh olahraga, tapi pas bangun pagi kaya masi ngantuk dan ternyata radang juga jadi kuurungkan niat ku untuk olahraga. Tapiii hal baik atau positif pertama yang aku lakukan adalah ga makan nasi. Ya meskipun siangnya makan mie gacoan tapi aku mencoba kalori defisit gitu deh. Terus hal positif yang aku lakukan mandi dan mencuci baju hahahha sounds cliche but susah banget tauuu ngumpulin niat mandi.

Nah pas malem nya aku ada trouble gitu sama temen ku masalah keuangan. Usut punya usut ternyata dia manfaatin aku dari segi finansial. Mungkin karena gue terlalu baik kali ya jadi orang. Terus pas tau hal itu aku sedih banget. Kaya aku gapernah tega untuk manfaatin temen ku sendiri dari segi keuangan. Lalu aku cerita sama bhisma tentang masalah ini, akhirnya dia bilang, “ikhlas aja”, yang penting kamu udah berbuat baik. Setelah mendengar kata-kata tersebut aku mikir, iya juga, aku yang waras ya aku yang ngalah. Hanya jadikan pelajaran dan cukup tau aja sama dia. Sebisa mungkin untuk ga berhubungan lagi deh pokonya.

Jadi hal positif ketiga hari ini adalah akhirnya aku bisa memaafkan dan ikhlas untuk masalah ini. Untuk maslah yg lain sepertinya masih dalam proses hehhe. Semoga prosesnya ga lama ya git, aku yakin kamu berjiwa besar untuk memaafkan orang-orang yang udah menyakiti kamu. :)

i miss u

 Sebentar lagi, sebentar lagi kamu akan pergi menjauh mengejar cita-citamu..

im so happy and proud of you, but at the same time looks like you leave me alone.

aku gatau hal apa yang bikin aku sesedih ini padahal kamu masih ada disini. aku gatau kapan ini semua berakhir. aku capek banget nangis kaya gini. seperti aku tidak bisa melakukan apa-apa. 

aku gabisa effort apapun buat hubungan kita. aku takut banget ketika kamu pergi kita selesai gitu aja. aku takut banget mas.

aku mau seterusnya sama kamu,  aku gatau gimana hidupku tanpa kamu mas. 

i know too much is not good. but ya my love for you is oveload.

aku juga capek diposisi ini. aku mau kerja dan mandiri. meskipun capek, at least aku bisa kemanapun pakai uangku sendiri.

maybe it call quarter life crisis eventho im not 25 lol

sepertinya mulai besok aku bakal bikin jurnal harian disini, to keep my life on track.

mas aku udah berusaha semampu ku untuk hubungan ini, aku paham banget di fase ini aku gabisa nuntut apapun dari kamu. aku cuma minta dalam satu hari kamu luangin waktu untuk hubungin aku. thats it. aku gak minta kamu beliin kado mewah, engga. i just need u beside me and hug me. cuma itu.

semoga saat perpisahan itu tiba kamu bisa luangin waktu sehari sebelum kepergianmu untuk kita ya mas, kita habisin hari itu dengan seneng-seneng. makasih banyak mas udah nemenin aku terus, maafin aku belum bisa jadi pacar yang baik buat kamu. dengan keadaan ku yang saat ini, i wish i could healing my self before i met you so i can be ur best partner. makasih udah nerima semua kekurangan ku mas. makasih buat semuanya, kamu memang yang terbaik. meskipun kamu juga yang bikin aku terluka seperti ini, tapi masih banyak kebaikan yang udah kamu lakuin buat aku.

fix you

we try our best to fight in our own. we got the same destiny. i finally understand how hard to fight everything, to makes our live be better in the future. i wish we were in the same way till the end. i know there will be storm also sunny day, but i hope we could be together till the end. im not give up on you. i hope you feel the same. i love you bhis, you're my only hope.

if some day, after i do all the best of me for you, for this relationship but i found you cheat on me again i think i never believe what is love. but for now, i will fight for me, us, also our future. 

i want to live together with you mas dio

i want to feel how it feels to be your wife

take care of you and our family

growing old with you

i want to be a good mother who is take care her family with all of my heart

i want to be a good sister for your siblings

also want to be a good daughter in front of your parents.

i want to feel how safe to always have you besides me mas.

i didn't know if someday you hurt me again or there's something to spare us apart.

thank you for always taking care of me

always patient with me

always hug me went im no feeling well

im sorry for all of yelling that i've been done to you, i just don't know why i do that to you.

i love you mas

i wish we can make it till the end.

eventho at the end we can't, i wanna thankyou for all those warm hug that you gave to me.

i hope you'll find your own happiness.

im glad to be part of your life.

messed up

everything is messed up. i'm messed. we are didn't same like a year ago. how long i can hold all of this shit? the trauma, trust issues, anxiety, panic attack. how long? maybe you're already tired of me too, of us. maybe this relationship is not working anymore. i feel like im not important for you anymore, im not ur priority anymore. i feel like you make distance between us. 

i hope it will be forever

 we're were have mistakes. it will make you stronger or it will broke you to the piece. 

i love you bhsm, with all of my heart. i never been treat so fucking good, feels so inloved by you. i miss you. just you that's i have. i need you in every sec in my life. i wish we met sooner so i never getting hurt by the asshole guy. you can read in this blog, thats all about brokenhearted. the way people destroy me to the ground but i have to get up and dress up like nothings happened. i wish we can grow old together. i love you. i really love you. even sometimes we argue little things, its about ego. relationship is not about who's win or lose. but about who's stay till the end, who's hug you when you feeling down, always take care each other, also makes happy memories. i never expect will have you right now. together with you when the last time i was give up on us. i think you just the same like anyone else, just took advantage of me. but no, you take care of me. you make my day brighter everyday. and yes im fallin in love with you everyday. i don't know where we going, but i hope you will stay with me forever. 

anxiety

I woke up this morning and realized, everythings not going like i want. It's just going not supposed to be. And i realized im such a clown. I can't do anything except smiling. Stupid. Oh how it could be like this. Im not finished my study. Can I finish it? just kinda sad i always messed up my life. so stress out. can i do it right? so i dont make a mistake anymore. i just dont know what i have to do. 

please stay

I always imagine life together with someone i loved, but the fact is no one want to stay with me for a long time. At the end their always leave me. And just me, yeah, me and myself. No one will stay, eventho i always give my life for him. I wish someday i could have someone who’s stay with me and loved me more than i loved him. I hope so. Would you mind to stay with me please?;’) dont leave me. I loved you. So much. I dont wanna lose you. Its tired to pass all this shit again and again.

Confession.

Sometimes i feel unworthy for everyone. But deep down, my parents still love unconditonally no matter what. Maybe not this time for me to get the one in my life. Maybe not you, but im so glad to know you. Thankyou for being so good to me. If you're will be my man i think you will comeback another time. I believe god plans never dissapointed me, because all he want is the best for me. But before i have to do my best in my life.
I have to start being a nice girl, be kind to another, love myself more and more, and do another good things in my life. I wish i can do that easily. Jo, maybe im fall in love with you but the time is not compatible for us so yaa it doesn't work for us. But deep down im trully happy to know you and spent time with you.
Well, i think that's all i have to say. I will missing you soo fucking much, but ya i wish you always have a good life jo, be a nice guy yaa.
I love you.

Kalah.

Ku akui aku kalah. telak. aku masih mencintaimu bahkan merindukanmu setiap waktu. walaupun aku sadar kita tidak akan mungkin bersatu. kamu tidak akan pernah melihatku. tidak akan pernah kembali lagi. pergi saja, aku ikhlas. sangat ikhlas. aku sudah menerima. biar saja aku dengan sakitku ini. nanti juga sembuh. tenang saja masih ada waktu yang akan menyembuhkannya. aku tak apa. tapi harus selalu kau ingat, kalo nanti suatu saat kamu rindukan aku, aku selalu ada disini untuk mu ya? tidak. aku tidak akan pergi kemana-mana. aku masih disini dengan segenap hatiku yang selalu untukmu. tapi jika kamu memutuskan untuk pergi dan tak kembali pun sungguh tak apa. aku hanya bisa bilang terimakasih. terimakasih untuk waktunya. terimakasih pernah tertawa bersamaku. terimakasih pernah hadir walaupun cuma sekedar singgah. aku senang pernah jadi bagian hidupmu, walau sebentar. aku sudah ikhlas. sungguh ikhlas jika kamu mau pergi. mencintai itu tidak harus memiliki kan? biar diriku mencintaimu dari sini. sampai nanti semuanya hilang seiring berjalannya waktu. semua akan baik-baik saja. pasti. :)