temporary

because of you yeah. yourself.

no one will stay, 

no one will treated you right,

the fact is,

you're always have a reason to leave me

when i have a thousand reason to stay even you hurt me.

If someday someone see me died at my room i just wanna say,

please don't cry

because i try so hard to stay alive but i always find a reason to died

no one care about me when im feeling down

i know people come and go

why this world is so cruel to me?

why?

why i always gettin hurt?

why?

why?

why no one be there for me when i reach out for someone?

nothing

 God, can take me with you?

all of this shit is so painful, i can't handle it anymore

everythings is hurt me physically and mentally

i need someone who's treated me right

i need someone who's not  gaslight me when im feeling down

i need someone who's understand me

i need someone who's hug me when im dying

but, i can't lean on someone all the time, right?

people come and go

all you're have is yourself

please be nice to urself

aku ga kuar YaAllah

kalo mau cabut nyawaku silhakn, aku udah ga sanggup hidup lagi

semuanya sakit

semuanya...

gaada yang sayang aku

gaada yang peduli sama aku

gaada yang bakal nangisin aku kalo aku pergi

i will be fogotten

because im nothing

pain

 you clearly see me dying, but you didn't do anything. is it call love?

if its love why it feels so painful

if its love why i can't stop crying

if its love why you cheating on me

if its love, why you broke me into a piece?

lost

 i feel like i lost my self. i didn;t know who i am right now. i lost control, i dont even handle my self. why people keep hurting someone? why people do what they want without thinking about anyone else? how selfish is it. to hurt your love one. to hurt somebody else. to break them into a pieces. how could you do that to me? im so tired of this fucking life. can i just died? please. im so tired. no one is truly love me.

expect for nothing

 can we make it until 22?

can you stay with me until 22?

i didn't want anything, just you beside me in my birthday, that's all i want. 

but its okay you didn't make it.

yeah at the end i always with my self.

yeah expect for nothing at my bday. ya emg harusnya kaya gitu gasi, kenapa kamu selalu minta lebih? kenapa kamu ga bersyukur sama semua waktu yang udah dia kasih buat kamu?

but, can i just ask for the last time, please dont messed my bday, please.. im begging

Ikhlas

         Ikhlas.

Apasih ikhlas itu?

Menurut KBBI ikhlas tuh berhati bersih. Dalam hal hubungan sesama manusia, ikhlas adalah memberi pertolongan dengan ketulusan hati. Sementara itu, keikhlasan berarti sebuah kejujuran atau kerelaan.

Pernah gasih dalam hidup tuh ada momen lo marah atau sedih banget tapi ujungnya lo bisa ikhlas, merelakan apa yang udah terjadi. Ya kadang beberapa hal perlu “keikhlasan” untuk kesehatan mental kita atau salah satu bentuknya ialah yaudahlah yaa. Salah satu kata yang sering aku dan oliv ucapkan ketika udah give up sama sesuatu.

Belakangan ini aku akhirnya bertemu psikolog untuk mengurai semua trauma dan ketakutanku. Perlahan-lahan semuanya terurai satu persatu. Sangat tidak mudah ada di fase ini dengan semua emosi yang telah aku tahan. Apalagi harus melalui semua ini sendirian, tidak ada yang menemani. Karena sejatinya manusia akan kembali pada-Nya sendirian bukan?

Sebelumya aku pernah bilang untuk bikin jurnal harian kann? Nah hari ini ga banyak kegiatan ku. Agenda hari iini tuh olahraga, tapi pas bangun pagi kaya masi ngantuk dan ternyata radang juga jadi kuurungkan niat ku untuk olahraga. Tapiii hal baik atau positif pertama yang aku lakukan adalah ga makan nasi. Ya meskipun siangnya makan mie gacoan tapi aku mencoba kalori defisit gitu deh. Terus hal positif yang aku lakukan mandi dan mencuci baju hahahha sounds cliche but susah banget tauuu ngumpulin niat mandi.

Nah pas malem nya aku ada trouble gitu sama temen ku masalah keuangan. Usut punya usut ternyata dia manfaatin aku dari segi finansial. Mungkin karena gue terlalu baik kali ya jadi orang. Terus pas tau hal itu aku sedih banget. Kaya aku gapernah tega untuk manfaatin temen ku sendiri dari segi keuangan. Lalu aku cerita sama bhisma tentang masalah ini, akhirnya dia bilang, “ikhlas aja”, yang penting kamu udah berbuat baik. Setelah mendengar kata-kata tersebut aku mikir, iya juga, aku yang waras ya aku yang ngalah. Hanya jadikan pelajaran dan cukup tau aja sama dia. Sebisa mungkin untuk ga berhubungan lagi deh pokonya.

Jadi hal positif ketiga hari ini adalah akhirnya aku bisa memaafkan dan ikhlas untuk masalah ini. Untuk maslah yg lain sepertinya masih dalam proses hehhe. Semoga prosesnya ga lama ya git, aku yakin kamu berjiwa besar untuk memaafkan orang-orang yang udah menyakiti kamu. :)

i miss u

 Sebentar lagi, sebentar lagi kamu akan pergi menjauh mengejar cita-citamu..

im so happy and proud of you, but at the same time looks like you leave me alone.

aku gatau hal apa yang bikin aku sesedih ini padahal kamu masih ada disini. aku gatau kapan ini semua berakhir. aku capek banget nangis kaya gini. seperti aku tidak bisa melakukan apa-apa. 

aku gabisa effort apapun buat hubungan kita. aku takut banget ketika kamu pergi kita selesai gitu aja. aku takut banget mas.

aku mau seterusnya sama kamu,  aku gatau gimana hidupku tanpa kamu mas. 

i know too much is not good. but ya my love for you is oveload.

aku juga capek diposisi ini. aku mau kerja dan mandiri. meskipun capek, at least aku bisa kemanapun pakai uangku sendiri.

maybe it call quarter life crisis eventho im not 25 lol

sepertinya mulai besok aku bakal bikin jurnal harian disini, to keep my life on track.

mas aku udah berusaha semampu ku untuk hubungan ini, aku paham banget di fase ini aku gabisa nuntut apapun dari kamu. aku cuma minta dalam satu hari kamu luangin waktu untuk hubungin aku. thats it. aku gak minta kamu beliin kado mewah, engga. i just need u beside me and hug me. cuma itu.

semoga saat perpisahan itu tiba kamu bisa luangin waktu sehari sebelum kepergianmu untuk kita ya mas, kita habisin hari itu dengan seneng-seneng. makasih banyak mas udah nemenin aku terus, maafin aku belum bisa jadi pacar yang baik buat kamu. dengan keadaan ku yang saat ini, i wish i could healing my self before i met you so i can be ur best partner. makasih udah nerima semua kekurangan ku mas. makasih buat semuanya, kamu memang yang terbaik. meskipun kamu juga yang bikin aku terluka seperti ini, tapi masih banyak kebaikan yang udah kamu lakuin buat aku.

fix you

we try our best to fight in our own. we got the same destiny. i finally understand how hard to fight everything, to makes our live be better in the future. i wish we were in the same way till the end. i know there will be storm also sunny day, but i hope we could be together till the end. im not give up on you. i hope you feel the same. i love you bhis, you're my only hope.

if some day, after i do all the best of me for you, for this relationship but i found you cheat on me again i think i never believe what is love. but for now, i will fight for me, us, also our future. 

i want to live together with you mas dio

i want to feel how it feels to be your wife

take care of you and our family

growing old with you

i want to be a good mother who is take care her family with all of my heart

i want to be a good sister for your siblings

also want to be a good daughter in front of your parents.

i want to feel how safe to always have you besides me mas.

i didn't know if someday you hurt me again or there's something to spare us apart.

thank you for always taking care of me

always patient with me

always hug me went im no feeling well

im sorry for all of yelling that i've been done to you, i just don't know why i do that to you.

i love you mas

i wish we can make it till the end.

eventho at the end we can't, i wanna thankyou for all those warm hug that you gave to me.

i hope you'll find your own happiness.

im glad to be part of your life.

messed up

everything is messed up. i'm messed. we are didn't same like a year ago. how long i can hold all of this shit? the trauma, trust issues, anxiety, panic attack. how long? maybe you're already tired of me too, of us. maybe this relationship is not working anymore. i feel like im not important for you anymore, im not ur priority anymore. i feel like you make distance between us. 

i hope it will be forever

 we're were have mistakes. it will make you stronger or it will broke you to the piece. 

i love you bhsm, with all of my heart. i never been treat so fucking good, feels so inloved by you. i miss you. just you that's i have. i need you in every sec in my life. i wish we met sooner so i never getting hurt by the asshole guy. you can read in this blog, thats all about brokenhearted. the way people destroy me to the ground but i have to get up and dress up like nothings happened. i wish we can grow old together. i love you. i really love you. even sometimes we argue little things, its about ego. relationship is not about who's win or lose. but about who's stay till the end, who's hug you when you feeling down, always take care each other, also makes happy memories. i never expect will have you right now. together with you when the last time i was give up on us. i think you just the same like anyone else, just took advantage of me. but no, you take care of me. you make my day brighter everyday. and yes im fallin in love with you everyday. i don't know where we going, but i hope you will stay with me forever.